Not an invitation to write me!
Do I still talk to Alex the Great. No, I do not. And mostly I think it is for the best. In fact I hesitate to write this because any time I write about him he seems to think I am writing to him and reaches out to be a prissy dickface and flaunt his hurt feelings at the Unfairness of Me.
Basically Alex was exciting and funny and charming AND toxic. He's still all those things. He makes me feel terrible about myself. I stopped talking to him after he refused to attend my wedding because there was still "enough physical going on between us to make it awkward". Um, what? We hadn't seen each other in 4 years.
Then a few years later I mentioned his name on the blog and he dropped me an e-mail all "OMG I NEVER read your blog but today I decided to and it was about me!" It just bummed me out. I never replied.
The problem with Alex was that he liked awesome women. But by the time they were his age they didn't really want anything to do with him. He was broken, selfish and needy in enough quantity that it overshadowed his charm and good looks. The only awesome women still willing and able to put up with his behavior were girls young enough not to know better.
Like me.
So no, we don't talk. I still wish I had a little window into his life like he has to mine but not enough to do anything about it. And the more distance I get from that relationship the less interested I am in continuing it in any way.
Hi Internet,
I've turned inwards. I love this blog and I miss it sometimes (mostly now-times, late at night when it's quiet and I feel sorta sad and thoughtful) but I am not sure I know how to relate to it anymore. None of what I'm going to say is new to the internet, or even this blog but I just wanted to put it out there so you'd know why this space has been so stark.
First, I don't really know how to blog as an adult. Much like being at my parents' house for Christmas and hanging around Sarah Cromwell, blogging brings out a very particular me. It's a mouthy, brash, emotional me. Me, with the volume turned up too loud. Basically 17 year old me. That voice makes me feel really insecure now and I don't really find it cute anymore. It feels both disingenuous and too real to be safe. It leaves me defensive and vulnerable and then Andy will have to point out a grammatical mistake I've made to show everyone that he's SO observant and clever (or possibly to pull my pigtails because he's still got a little itch for me) and it'll REALLY hurt my feelings and make me feel like lashing out in exactly the way I just did.
Voice aside, the actual subjects I talk about here are what really keeps me away. For a while I wanted this to be a food blog but taking pictures during the process and as we sit down to eat is annoying and interrupts the good feeling of "flow" I get when cooking. Then I thought I would write about foster care but that feels loaded and dangerous.
Sometimes I'm tempted to vent here about my marriage, or friendships and the interaction between me and my parents but all those people read this blog. To pretend otherwise would be stupid. I love this Richard Needham quote:"People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty." I think it's true. When I tell myself I just want to come here to unload because it feels good to vent, let it out, just talk what I really want is the chance to passive aggressively attack someone. If I wrote a mean-spirited thing about Ryan here I know he'd feel he had no place to defend himself or even acknowledge he'd read it because this is somehow "private".
Except that it isn't. It's not a diary, it's a blog and part of the medium is other people see it. In fact, I WANT them to see it. That part feels a little icky too. I keep waiting to turn into the kind of adult who doesn't want the internet's attention and doesn't need it. I would prefer to start transitioning to a life phase where I didn't need an audience to grieve or rejoice or be sexy.
All those factors together mean that I don't really know what this blog IS anymore or even what I want it to be so I don't fully know how to use it. I never blogged simply to document moments. For that I take pictures, write notes, make lists... I have a pretty wonderful memory as it is. I wanted the blog to be a conversation, a stage; and for awhile it was but now I am older and farther away and what does a grownup really do with a blog?
I hope I'll figure it out soon but until then, feel free to watch this space.
Love,
Sam